I was scrolling along on Instagram, as I often do in the middle of the day at my job, when I came across a meme about women not liking nice guys. Nice guys finish last. Women only date ass holes and then complain that all men are the same. I go to the comments and I saw all of those amazing nuggets of wisdom from men who have been spurned by their love interests. I remember the first time a guy bragged to me about being a “good man” and told me that I didn’t deserve him because I didn’t want him. It involves him bringing paternity test results to my job so you want to keep reading. This is a good story.
I am going to take you back to the year 2003. I was teaching in a small suburban district in the DFW area. One of my good friends was an ROTC teacher with over 20 years of experience under his belt. One day after school I wandered downstairs to chat him up. Lets just call him Sgt. When I went to visit him, Sgt was talking to a young man in his classroom. I apologized for interrupting and I told him I would just come back later. I never got a good look at the guy he was talking to but Sgt. called me back down because this dude wanted to meet me. I will call this guy Pete. I am changing his name to protect his idiocy.
So Pete ended up asking me out that day. He thought I was pretty and apparently enjoyed listening to my snark. He told me that he was in the Navy and that he had to go up to Boston for a few days but when he got back he wanted to take me out. I said, “Sure”. The first date was completely normal. We went to dinner, saw a movie, and he took me home. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He said he had to go to Boston again for work but would be back and wanted to go out again. I told him to call me when he got back. He called me just about everyday that he was gone. Again. Everything was normal at this point.
When Pete came back to town he picked me up from my house and told me that we were going to catch a movie and grab dinner again but he needed to go to his grandma’s house first to get something. I thought nothing about this. I told him that was fine thinking that I was going to sit in the car until he did what he needed to do. But when we arrived, he insisted that I get out of the car. I said, “No. I can just wait for you.” But then I looked around at the neighborhood, which was kind of rough, and realized I might should follow him inside. In my head I thought that nothing bad could truly happen if I went with him but if I stayed outside I might get abducted or shot. I agreed to go inside and that’s when shit got real.
Inside the house there were a gang of people! His grandmother, two aunts, cousins and some other people that I can’t remember. There was a big ass spread of food. His grandmother, a short, heavyset woman with silver hair came out to greet me. But she didn’t actually say hello. She took one look at me and looked at Pete and said, “When you bring home one that I like, I will let you know.” She walked away and I thought, “Oh hell!” Guys, I know I am not cupcake. I know that I am not a peach all of the time. But that lady didn’t even give me time to say something inappropriate or offensive. If she had given me a few minutes I am certain I would have said something to make her want to fight me. This was one of the few times that I was completely innocent in a situation.
He had this aunt who had a lazy eye. She was also a LARGE woman. Like she took up an entire love seat by herself. She offered me something to eat and I politely declined and said, “No thank you”. She promptly mimicked me and laughed and said, “You sound like an old white girl. ” A second aunt said, “Pete tells us you speak Spanish. What other languages do you speak?” At this point, I am irritated. My guard is up and I am defensive. I said, “English.” This aunt glared at me, “Oh! So you’re trying to get smart?” I said, “I have been smart. I am just getting here.” All this time, Pete is standing there grinning proudly like an idiot. The grandmother offered me a plate and I said, “No thank you. Pete and I are going out to eat when we leave here. We aren’t staying. He said he just needed to get something.” I gave him a pointed look. Did this ass clown just blind side me and introduce me to his family on the second date???? I was shook! So we left the house and we rode in silence to a Bennigans. I remember the restaurant because the Monte Cristo sandwich was amazing and that’s what I ordered. After being teased about the way I talk, the way I look and his grandmother telling him that she didn’t like me on sight, I earned that damn meal. I digress. I was sitting in the car trying to figure out how I was going to get rid of this guy after this date.
At the restaurant, Pete told me what a good woman he thought I was and how beautiful I was. He said that he was excited that I got along so well with his family. He was obviously not at the same family gathering because that whole meeting was a hot ass mess. He told me because of all of that he needed to be honest with me and had something to say to me. I braced myself thinking he was going to propose or some shit and I started forming my escape plan. But his news about knocked me on the floor.
Him: I might have a child.
Me: Excuse me????
Him: I might have a kid on the way. See I was in Boston and I met this white girl. A bunch of us went out and we all had sex with her…
Me: What????? Like you had sex with her at the same time????
Him: Yeah so we all had sex with her so it might not even be my child.
This revelation did not upset me. It made me soooo happy! I quickly told him that I wasn’t interested in dating him because I didn’t date men who had kids. He insisted that this probably wasn’t even his child. He told me he was a good man and thought I was a good woman and we needed to be together. I explained that not only do I not date men with kids, but I also don’t date men who run trains on chicks and the fact that he was even in this situation wasn’t cool. I told him to take me home.
I didn’t hear from Pete again until about six months later. I took a personal day one week and I went back to the school to pick up some things when all the kids were gone. Sgt saw me in the hall and stopped me. “Pete was here looking for you today. He made a beeline for your classroom and was upset that you weren’t here. It turns out that baby isn’t his.” My heart dropped. “Can you tell him not to come back? I am not interested! Tell him not to come back here!” Sgt told me he wasn’t going to get in the middle but wanted to give me a heads up so I wasn’t caught off guard when he comes back again.
The next day at work I was on edge all damn day. I kept my classroom door closed. When I got to my last class of the day, I thought I was free. School let out at 2:30 and it was 2:00. My elation was short lived when one of the kids in my class said, “Miss? Someone is at the door”. My whole body tensed. Another kid said, “Who is that? Is that your boyfriend?” I didn’t respond. I turned to see him peering at me through the window on my classroom door. He opened the door and I held up my hand to stop him. I gave the kids something to do while I went and dealt with this fool. I promise you that was the quietest that class had ever been. I went outside into the hallway to talk to him and closed the door behind me. The class was dead quiet because they were nosey, petty little jokers and I am sure they saw my body tense when I saw him.
Me: I am at work! What are you doing?
Him: I have some good news!
Me: It’s news you couldn’t have just called me with? This is my job! I work around kids! You can’t just show up here like this!
He seemed to not hear a word I was saying. Instead of apologizing and asking if he could talk to me later he pulls out this piece of paper and hands it to me. The piece of paper was *drum roll* paternity test results. There was a picture of him, a woman, and a picture of the baby on the paper and results that said 0.000000% chance that he was the father. I was seething. He chattered on, “See! Now we can be together! That baby is not mine!” My sharp reply was, “NO! We can’t!” LORD! WHYYYYYY???? I hadn’t changed my mind. I told him I wasn’t interested and not to come back again. I couldn’t even believe he brought that bullshit to my job.
I don’t know if the kids in my class knew what was going on or if they heard any of that conversation. I know you could have heard a pin drop in that classroom because they were trying to listen. I was visibly irritated. My irritation continued over the next few weeks as Pete continued to call, send text messages (it was 2004 so text messages cost money. He was running up my phone bill on top of being a pain in my ass) and sent me gifts. He wrote me poetry. He showed up at my job at least two more times after I told him not to come back but he claimed was there to visit Sgt. He would make a lap by my classroom though. He finally got shipped off to Japan. But he didn’t go quietly. He had to get one last jab in before he left. “I talked to my aunts and they said that I can’t force you to be with me. So I am going to leave you alone. You clearly don’t want to be with a good man and don’t deserve one.” Jesus, take the wheel and drive the truck off the damn cliff.
So he had unprotected sex with a woman. He performed this sexual act with a group of his peers and they all experience an epic pregnancy scare. He shows up to my job uninvited with paternity test results and proceeds to practically stalk me after I told him to go away forever and he is a good guy? Why in the world would I waste my time on a guy like that? If I was a bitch for not wanting any part of that foolishness then I will gladly wear that title proudly. Sometimes these “nice guys” and “good guys” aren’t as nice as they think they are. I will go so far as to say that if you have to tell a woman that you’re a nice guy or a good man then you probably are a train wreck. Your character should be evident through your conduct.
He contacted me ten years later on Facebook and asked me why I didn’t want to be with him back then. He started beating the dead horse about women not liking nice guys again. I was NOT nice in that conversation at all. He blocked me shortly after that. Oh well…